![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thousandmilesblogIt's soapbox time again. Part of what I want to do here is tackle some commonly held misconceptions that get in the way of preventing domestic and sexual violence and limit the support that's available to those who experience and commit it. I may be stating the obvious, preaching to the converted. If you know all this stuff, good for you. I didn't always.
Why Don't Women Just Leave?
So, if you're saying that I take it that you live in a world where, if a woman reports domestic violence, she's immediately believed and supported by family, friends and the criminal justice system, who instantly provide the protection she and any children she has may need if she decides to try to leave or force her abuser to do so. In your world, all women can just uproot themselves and have the means to secure a safe place to live immediately. They have no trouble finding immediate employment that pays a living wage, even if they lack qualifications or recent job experience. Should either of those things be a problem, in your world there are services in place who accept a woman's story immediately before any obvious action is taken that might provoke the abuser, and hand a woman a safe place to stay and financial support until she can find her feet. In your world, the criminal justice system treats domestic violence, stalking and harassment with the utmost seriousness, and takes action immediately and decisively. No woman who has reported an abuser to the police has ever been found murdered shortly afterwards.
Can you give me the address of this world? It's just, I know a large number of people who'd love to move there.
The emotional effects of abuse may make it difficult for women to make sense of their situation. Abused women often become isolated from family and friends, and increasingly dependent on their abuser. Abusers often act to ensure this. Family and friends are not always supportive towards abused women, sometimes reacting with disbelief and refusing to listen. Abusers may use financial control, threats of more extreme violence, threats against loved ones and continued wearing down of a woman's self-esteem in order to increase feelings of powerlessness. The abuse may be framed as punishment for a woman's behaviour, real or imagined. In some cultures the shame associated with reporting abuse can be a barrier, and there can be significant mistrust of police and other authorities whose help is needed.
Such mistrust is not always without foundation. Public perception is often that abusers are certain kinds of men in terms of social class and occupation. People are frequently reluctant to believe that a man who is a talented sportsperson or entertainer, a respected judge, doctor or teacher, can be guilty of abuse. Abusers can be polite and friendly with people other than those they abuse, and men can find it hard to accept that a man who is perfectly nice to other men may be violent and abusive towards a female partner or family member. The inequalities between men and women in society make it much easier for people to blame the woman, or doubt her account of events. It was her bad judgement to get involved with an abuser, right? Because they wear signs or something, and don't go out of their way to seem like fantastic guys at first.
There's still an attitude that male violence is something that can't be helped, it's in a man's nature, and the situation of domestic violence is normal and acceptable. These famous logical, intelligent and rational men (well, more logical, intelligent and rational than women, obviously), these men who are more fit to run the world and control everything from finances to nuclear weapons, when confronted with a woman asking them not to leave the toilet seat up, suddenly react like a frighteningly large and terrifyingly strong two-year-old having a tantrum. This is normal, rather than a sign that the man in question really needs some help. You see reports where women have been brutally murdered by current or former partners that seem to imply the man must have been driven to it by all that nagging we are told women constantly do, or that female adultery, real or suspected, is punishable by death (male adultery is of course expected and normal, and you've got to wonder how everyone is supposed to stick to these societal norms at the same time what with all that frowning at homosexuality going on).
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Men should sue for slander.
Women in situations of domestic abuse don't always have a wide range of options available to them. It isn't as simple as leaving and immediately having somewhere else to go and a source of financial support, of being able to offer stability and safety for your dependents. That's why refuges are so important, and why it's such a scandal that they're so poorly funded. Employment opportunities that offer a real living wage aren't abundant if you lack qualifications or recent experience. It's hard to uproot yourself without leaving a trail for your abuser to follow. The act of trying to get away can intensify violence and provoke threats. If you're in any doubt about that, all you have to do is follow the news. And look at what exactly the police did to try to prevent the stalking, harassment and violence that women often suffer when they try to escape.
A common myth is that women ask for, enjoy or deserve violence and abuse. If it is ever the case that women enjoy the abuse, it is sufficiently rare that this can hardly be presumed. Women do not ever deserve to be victimised. Claiming that abuse is a punishment for adultery or a relationship breakup is laughable, because women do not owe men their bodies or their emotions. Society should not excuse domestic violence in any circumstances. If your relationship with someone really isn't working out, end the relationship. By separating, rather than murder.
I have heard plenty of 'well if they divorce it'll cost him a fortune'. Which tells you that the man in question loves money more than he hates the relationship.
In a 'post-feminist' world, some 'men's groups' are attempting to silence any discussion of infringement of women's rights through intimidation and misinformation. One further myth that has surfaced is that women are just as likely to abuse men, backed up by flawed or misrepresented research. You can read more about this here and here.
Evil Giraffe
Why Don't Women Just Leave?
So, if you're saying that I take it that you live in a world where, if a woman reports domestic violence, she's immediately believed and supported by family, friends and the criminal justice system, who instantly provide the protection she and any children she has may need if she decides to try to leave or force her abuser to do so. In your world, all women can just uproot themselves and have the means to secure a safe place to live immediately. They have no trouble finding immediate employment that pays a living wage, even if they lack qualifications or recent job experience. Should either of those things be a problem, in your world there are services in place who accept a woman's story immediately before any obvious action is taken that might provoke the abuser, and hand a woman a safe place to stay and financial support until she can find her feet. In your world, the criminal justice system treats domestic violence, stalking and harassment with the utmost seriousness, and takes action immediately and decisively. No woman who has reported an abuser to the police has ever been found murdered shortly afterwards.
Can you give me the address of this world? It's just, I know a large number of people who'd love to move there.
The emotional effects of abuse may make it difficult for women to make sense of their situation. Abused women often become isolated from family and friends, and increasingly dependent on their abuser. Abusers often act to ensure this. Family and friends are not always supportive towards abused women, sometimes reacting with disbelief and refusing to listen. Abusers may use financial control, threats of more extreme violence, threats against loved ones and continued wearing down of a woman's self-esteem in order to increase feelings of powerlessness. The abuse may be framed as punishment for a woman's behaviour, real or imagined. In some cultures the shame associated with reporting abuse can be a barrier, and there can be significant mistrust of police and other authorities whose help is needed.
Such mistrust is not always without foundation. Public perception is often that abusers are certain kinds of men in terms of social class and occupation. People are frequently reluctant to believe that a man who is a talented sportsperson or entertainer, a respected judge, doctor or teacher, can be guilty of abuse. Abusers can be polite and friendly with people other than those they abuse, and men can find it hard to accept that a man who is perfectly nice to other men may be violent and abusive towards a female partner or family member. The inequalities between men and women in society make it much easier for people to blame the woman, or doubt her account of events. It was her bad judgement to get involved with an abuser, right? Because they wear signs or something, and don't go out of their way to seem like fantastic guys at first.
There's still an attitude that male violence is something that can't be helped, it's in a man's nature, and the situation of domestic violence is normal and acceptable. These famous logical, intelligent and rational men (well, more logical, intelligent and rational than women, obviously), these men who are more fit to run the world and control everything from finances to nuclear weapons, when confronted with a woman asking them not to leave the toilet seat up, suddenly react like a frighteningly large and terrifyingly strong two-year-old having a tantrum. This is normal, rather than a sign that the man in question really needs some help. You see reports where women have been brutally murdered by current or former partners that seem to imply the man must have been driven to it by all that nagging we are told women constantly do, or that female adultery, real or suspected, is punishable by death (male adultery is of course expected and normal, and you've got to wonder how everyone is supposed to stick to these societal norms at the same time what with all that frowning at homosexuality going on).
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Men should sue for slander.
Women in situations of domestic abuse don't always have a wide range of options available to them. It isn't as simple as leaving and immediately having somewhere else to go and a source of financial support, of being able to offer stability and safety for your dependents. That's why refuges are so important, and why it's such a scandal that they're so poorly funded. Employment opportunities that offer a real living wage aren't abundant if you lack qualifications or recent experience. It's hard to uproot yourself without leaving a trail for your abuser to follow. The act of trying to get away can intensify violence and provoke threats. If you're in any doubt about that, all you have to do is follow the news. And look at what exactly the police did to try to prevent the stalking, harassment and violence that women often suffer when they try to escape.
A common myth is that women ask for, enjoy or deserve violence and abuse. If it is ever the case that women enjoy the abuse, it is sufficiently rare that this can hardly be presumed. Women do not ever deserve to be victimised. Claiming that abuse is a punishment for adultery or a relationship breakup is laughable, because women do not owe men their bodies or their emotions. Society should not excuse domestic violence in any circumstances. If your relationship with someone really isn't working out, end the relationship. By separating, rather than murder.
I have heard plenty of 'well if they divorce it'll cost him a fortune'. Which tells you that the man in question loves money more than he hates the relationship.
In a 'post-feminist' world, some 'men's groups' are attempting to silence any discussion of infringement of women's rights through intimidation and misinformation. One further myth that has surfaced is that women are just as likely to abuse men, backed up by flawed or misrepresented research. You can read more about this here and here.
Evil Giraffe
